Run for your life

I'm thinking about taking up jogging.  And while the health results will probably be nice, I would be lying if I didn't say that the real reason behind this decision is much more pragmatic.  

You see, it's always the early morning jogger who discovers the corpses.  And some of those corpses are bound to have money on them.

By now, I'm sure everyone out there has heard about the whole journalist-throws-his-shoe-at-the-President thing.  Big news, very exciting.  

But get this, gangstarrs--according the cnn.com, the throwing of a shoe is considered an INSULT IN THE MUSLIM WORLD.  (Thanks to CNN for blowing the lid off this one.)

I mean, what the heck, right?  How can two cultures as fundamentally different as ours and their ever really hope to get along. 

Imagine a world where you can no longer throw your shoe at a waiter in lieu of leaving a tip.  A world where you can't throw a shoe at your mother for Christmas as a last minute gift.

Honestly, and I hate to use this word, it's barbaric.  

prop 8

I'll predict right now that in 50 to 100 years, when history looks back at the momentous events of the last week and the way that civil rights were affected, they will also view last tuesday as a black mark that will make us all look like a bunch of savage animals.  And I can only hope that we can spend the time between now and then making sure that that is the way it turns out.

LOATHING

Hey Obama people: stop being such a bunch of dicks.  I say this as one of you.  But when you act like stupid jerks and treat people that don't agree with you like lower class citizens or something, YOU ARE WORSE THEN THEM.  You are just as bad as the loony tunes that pull people out of line at the polling place, or the lady who wouldn't give candy to Obama allied trick-or-treaters.  YOU REALLY ARE.  You don't get to call someone else crazy or write them off just because they don't agree with you.  That's not healing the country, that's rubbing horse manure in the existing injury.

Part of the trick here is this:  Obama will eventually do something you hate.  You'll just hate the hell out of it.  He will let you down, he will break your heart.  AND MCCAIN PEOPLE:  The same applies to you.  We're not voting for a new God.  We're just charged with deciding who we think has the better plan.  Because to lose track of the fact that this is all bullshit is crazy.  It's all bullshit, just pick the bullshit that strike you as best.  But don't get in anyone's face because they like the other bullshit.  

Distrust, rage, and spite are what made this country interesting in the first place.  So it's a little strange that people are so pumped about this guy.  And hey, I'm pumped about this guy.  But he's just a guy.  Just a dude.  

Sarah Palin is the new Sexy Cat

I  heard some of the other inmates at the Asshole Factory today discussing their halloween plans, and this girl was saying, "Well, last year I was a slutty cop, so this year I think I might be a slutty cat."

But I'm going to go out on a ledge here and guess that Sarah Palin will rule the night.  And that'll be nice, it should be a sweet send off for her.  

And hopefully next year we can look back at the pictures and not quite remember why all the chicks were wearing glasses and had their hair up instead of sporting bustiers or something... 

This is What They Actually Think

I was chatting with a conservative friend of mine the other day (that's right, I'm capable of maintaining friendships with people who don't totally agree with me on everything), and things inevitably took a turn for the political.  Which is fine, the last few weeks it's been impossible to avoid, even when a bum asks me for 'change' he just has this gleam in his eye.  

Anyway, I ended up asking this dude to explain to me what it is that him and his fellow conservatives believe.  Not that I didn't know, I just wanted to hear him say it.

"Well," he said, "We believe that the reason that The United States has been so succesful since its inception is that we do things a certain way, and that we hit on the right way to do things, and that we shouldn't change anything because everything is already going so well."

If this is a personal definition or the party line, I don't know for sure. But that thinking seems to me to represent a fundamental misunderstanding of American history and culture.  

The story of the United States is not the tale of a perfect land where everything has always gone really well.  It's about a people constantly struggling to find a better way to live, to govern, and to provide for each other.  When those old coots put the constitution together, didn't they set it up specifically to change depending on the needs of a transforming culture and people?

To say that things have been going really well is, well, crazy.  Sure, things have always been okay for me, I'm 27, middle class, and white.  But I've seen 'The Wire,' so I know there are plenty of people out there who could make a pretty good argument for things being awful, and in fact that they have indeed been oppressed.  And maybe not oppressed in the sense that soldiers are knocking down the door and stealing the children, oppressed like 'victims of policy.'  That's not as sexy, but it's pretty bad.

So fuck it, let's try something new.  And I'm probably simplifying these issue big time, because I'n not that smart.  But that's the flavor of my brain today.  

NO MORE BEARDS

I'm calling for an immediate stop to all ironic or intentionally goofy beards and mustaches.  They are neither funny nor cool.  

I mean, come on people.  The only reasons to do this to your face and the world are thus:

1.  Low self image.  You think if you grow some sort of really silly thing on your face, people will be drawn to comment on that and not on you as a person, or on any element of you that you feel unsure about.  And you can all laugh about the beard or mustache together, and look at what a fun guy you are!  So charming and self-depricating.  But here's the catch.  PEOPLE SEE RIGHT THROUGH THAT.  We all know how sad and fucked up you are.  So why put a big furry sign on your face announcing it?  Make it a surprise, it's more fun for everyone that way, and you'll get to at least spend some time around other people before they catch on and start dodging you.

2.  You're desperate for people to see how 'fun' you are.  And while this is closely related to reason number one, there is a difference.  These people are usually people who are not completely crushed with insecurity.  They may have jobs and loved ones.  But deep somewhere inside them is this little voice that screams, "What happened to you, dude?  You used to be cool!"  

These people are afraid that they are getting old and lame, that they can no longer hang like they used to.  And so what do they do?  They put a big 'Fuck You' front and center.  Sure, I work a nine-to-five and invest in a 401(k), but look at my fucking mutton chops!  And this handlebar right here, you know I must be really fun to talk to.  

But you probably aren't fun to talk to.  You probably want to talk to me about yr politics or David Lynch movies or something.  Guess what, we've both read David Eggers.  It doesn't make you the edgy guy in the office.  

Affecting weird facial hair takes away from the genuine weirdness of people who actually grow this stuff sincerely.  The blessed weirdness.  They grow these configurations because they want to, because they actually think it is awesome.  And when they do it, it is awesome.  But otherwise yr wading in a pool of forced irony that some scientists believe takes away from yr essential humanity.   

HOW TO LIVE

There's a scene in the new film 'W.' where a recently born again George W. Bush is told by his preacher that he should treat everyone he meets as though they're going to die at midnight.  

If that means means going around acting like I know something that no one else does, I'm doing a great job at it.

But no, I think what that really means is that we should try and treat people with respect and love and be kind and forgiving.  And that's nice, but it seems a little optimistic to me.  There are definitely some people, that if I knew they would be dead within a few hours, that I would finally really let know what I think of them.  You hear that, Mom and Dad?

And let's not forget that sex is a thing that exists.  There are tons of people, literally tons, that I would try to have sex with if I knew they were about to die.  Unless whatever was killing them was also making them deteriorate physically.  Well, not across the board...there are some people for whom I would be willing to look past that.  

And I can't help but wonder how I would act if it was me in the death seat.  What would I do?  I guess I would want to surround myself with friends and loved ones.  And as embarrassing as it is to admit this, I would probably want to go to the beach.  How cliche.  

Imagine, though, how awkward it would be, when I had to explain to my (hopefully) grieveing family when I explained that I wanted to leave them for a while and spend some of my last precious hours of life fornicating.  Because look, if you're about to magically die, I'm pretty sure you can get anyone you want.  And they'll probably be cool with things getting weird.  Oh God, I can hear my parents complaining about this already.  

So maybe the smart thing to do would be to just be very selective about who you told you were about to die.  That might lead to some hurt feelings, but I would just send those people a letter or something.

So bottom line here, if I ask you to have sex with me, you had better do it, because I might be dying.  Be cool.  

I was thinking today about how when a cop pulls you over for speeding, the first thing they do is ask what reason you might have for going so fast.

This has always bugged the shit out of me.  What's the answer that they're looking for?  Is there some magical excuse that I could give that would get me off the hook?  Can I have a hint, at least?  

But today I think I figured it out.  There is no right answer.  They ask that question, that vile fucking question, just hoping that you WILL try and come up with a good excuse, because then you have inadvertantly admitted you were speeding.

How clever.  

So, next time I get pulled, God forbid, and they pull that one on me, you can bet my answer will be "says you, sucka.'

YOUTUBE ROUND-UP

I like to imagine that the alternate title for this one is "Satan Takes Many Faces."

Even if this took 25 seconds to edit, that was way to long.

At first I thought this one was going to be about lusting after Sawyer, you can imagine my surprise when it turned out to be, in fact, highlighting his internal struggle.

More crazy then the first one, or way crazier?

Not to be left out, Hero's fans respond. Notable for highlighting the homosexual tension between those two dudes, who are supposed to be playing brothers.

An excerpt from my forthcoming book

WHO'S AFRAID?
An Oral Biography of Virginia Woolf
Complied by Tom Batten

PORTNOY GLADSTONE
Former Butler to the Woolf family

She would just shit her brains for Bluegrass music. Not a lot of people know that.


DAN GLINES
Guitar player for The Backwards Gulch Boys

We were invited to play a show at Woolf Mountain. They said it was an annual festival. and that we were going to be the headliners. They promised all kinds of money and stuff, so we were right excited. 
But when we got there, and there wasn't no festival at all. They had us playing in this big open air area that could have fit a hundred folks easy, but there was only one person there and it was her, Mrs. Woolf. All by her lonesome. She was wearing this weird Japanese looking robe with nothing on underneath-it was hanging loose so we could see-and she had this big sword. One of those Arab swords, I think they call them scimitars. 
We're like, hell, let's just play. So we start playing. And she starts writhing around, waving that sword in the air and all this. It was one of the strangest sights I ever saw. But it was exciting, too, 'cause she was naked and I thought maybe when we were done playing that would play out somehow. 
Anyway. We finish our first song, and we're about to get going on another one when she starts yelling. She raises the sword up over her head and she stands as still as an oak tree in summer and she yells out, "Release the Snakes!"
I think the idea was that some snakes where going to come out and she was going to fight them. But no snakes showed up, just her Butler or something, he came out looking real worried.

COSBY SCHNELL
Groundskeeper of Woolf Mountain

I was with Mrs. Woolf all day leading up to that concert. That was the first time she ever mentioned snakes to me or anyone else.

DAN GLINES

So she gets real depressed looking, and she hangs her head and walks off dragging that big blade behind her. With her gone there was no one left to play for, so we packed up. But then they wouldn't pay us, saying we didn't play a whole set so we were violating the contract.

COMIC PICKS FOR THE WEEK

PICKS
AIR #1 - An all new Vertigo classic of tomorrow by acclaimed writer G. Willow Wilson. Don't be the last kid on the block to know what it's all about. Or do, if you're the weird kid who puts the others in a much nicer context.

AMAZING SPIDER-MAN #568 - DAN SLOTT! JOHN ROMITA JR! VENOM! THE THUNDERBOLTS! GREEN GOBLIN! ANTI-VENOM? It's the most exciting and dangerous smörgåsbord I've seen since my cousin's wedding!

FINAL CRISIS LEGION OF THREE WORLDS #1 - The super anticipated FINAL CRISIS TIE-IN that brings together GEOFF JOHNS, GEORGE PEREZ, and nearly every incarnation of the Legion of Super-Heroes EVER! Wouldn't it be weird if it brought together different incarnations of George Perez instead? I imagine that would be a little less action packed then I expect this to be, but who knows, maybe he has the requisite amount of self-loathing it would require to make that something worth seeing...

TALES DESIGNED TO THRIZZLE #4 - The best and most irregularly released humor comic in the world finally returns to tell tall tales of where it's been and what it has seen. Tales that will fuck up your entire life, forever.

YOUNGBLOOD TP VOL 01 FOCUS TESTED - Yeah, you heard me. Joe Casey continues to be one of the most interesting writers in comics, this time taking a long-time punchline and flipping it into a vibrant and interesting look at celebrity and duty. And punching.

FROM THE HELP DESK

If you ever walk in on your roommate masturbating, I would suggest that you just start masturbating, too. That way things won't get too awkward. 

Need advice? Write in!

BIGFOOT IN A COOLER, I KNOW, THIS IS SERIOUS...

So these dopes are telling everyone that what may appear to be a super fake looking dead Bigfoot stuffed into a cooler is, in all actuality, a real Bigfoot stuffed into a cooler.  And CNN is reporting that they were questioned today by reporters for over half an hour. 

These reporters should have to donate whatever portion of their salary that time made up to charity, or maybe just be made to throw that money into the sea.  Is there nothing going on anywhere in the world that might be a better expenditure of their journalistic abilities than this?  Maybe they could be sharpening pencils for under-privileged children somewhere...

Of course, if someone wanted to pay me to heckle these guys I would be more then thrilled to do so.  You see, it's the system that I hold accountable.  Because I am lofty and profound.

What I am interested in is where these crypto-zoological hucksters see this whole thing going.  Are they counting on blackmailing some medical examiner or something?  

You know, this might just be the best viral marketing campaign for coolers of all time.  Who wouldn't buy a cooler big enough store an entire Bigfoot? 

GAME ON

Looks like Tarantino is no longer waiting for people to sink into obscurity for a few years before he snatches them up and dips them in sweet, precious gold.  http://www.variety.com/article/VR1117990590.html?categoryid=13&cs=1

WHAT I AM SAYING TO YOU IS...

This is pretty lame.  SECRET INVASION #5 furthers to epic crossover super-event approximatly 35 seconds, and while they are indeed action packed seconds, I would be lying if I said they made any sense, or were that much fun to read.

I want to like this.  I want to, and damn it I probably should.  It has fighting, it has robots, it has explosions and robot doubles...this should be tons of fun.  But instead, I get a few pages in and sure enough, there's someone dropping that old peanut of a line "What I am telling you is...blah blah blah."

I would like to think that author Brian Michael Bendis made a deal with some weird old gambler on a cloudy night some years ago, a deal that stipulated that he include that phrase in everything he writes, forever, and in return he'll get a free West Wing Box Set.  I would like to think that because it actually totally boggles my mind that he might actually think that everyone on Earth uses that phrase all the time.  I have never heard a real person say that, in fact hearing someone lead into a point that way would only ensure that I ignored whatever the thing the person was trying to tell me.

Maybe in some yet-to-be revealed tale it will be revealed that in the Marvel Universe Captain American used that phrase in a speech when he first addressed the people post-frozen in ice.  And for that reason it is a phrase that has completely taken hold in the sort of cultural lexicon or something.  And let me tell you...the comic where this is revealed will be 48 pages for 4.99 and will be fucking awful.

But back to actual story.  Wait, I don't know if I can do it.  Maybe I could try and say something nice?  Okay, let's see...did I mention the explosions?  Wait...the art is pretty good.  Except the artist is drawing everyone with  weird jaws now.  Used to be weird eyes, now it's weird jawlines.  

PICTURE OF THE DAY

Congratulations to former Clinton chief strategist Mark Penn for being the subject of our first ever PICTURE OF THE DAY.  I believe this is from the press conference on the jailhouse steps following his arrest for shoving a clerk at Wendy's who refused to give him a refill on his Frosty.

R.I.P. BERNIE MAC

I'll always remember Bernie Mac best for his work in 'Bad Santa,' where he played an unscrupulous mall detective.  Most of his work in movies amounted to little more then sneering and snide asides, but in "Bad Santa,' at least, he participated in at least one scene that will stay with me for the rest of my life.

The manager of the mall, played by John Ritter, comes to Mac's office to discuss the matter of the, well, Bad Santa.  While Ritter squirms uncomfortably Mac downs a glass of metamucil, chain smokes, and peels an orange.  He does all of these things will some depraved relish, and while it may be the content of their conversation that makes John Ritter uncomfortable, it's watching Mac go through with this little routine that made me churn in my seat.

I don't know quite how to describe it--it's just gross.  I felt like I could smell the weird stale air in the office.  It's not often that a film can get across such a tactile feeling as that, and yet that one sequence gets it across completely.  Maybe it's the way he used his hands, peeling the orange and stamping out cigarettes in an overflowing ashtray, all the while those big creepy eyes locked on to poor Ritter...

Mac was good with his hands, and in fact they basically steal every scene that he's in in all three of the 'Ocean' movies.  In fact, if memory serves, he spends a lot of time in those movies discussing different moisturizers and manicure techniques...

 

Another exciting Comicon has slumped to a close, leaving us in fandom left with nothing but to kick up our feet and ask, "What happened?"
It seems like all the talk around the shop this year is that nothing that exciting was really announced. Of course, this was the talk last year and the year before that, too, but forget those years, they were stupid and now they're behind us.
The situation seems to be this: The whole Comicon Paradigm is changing faster then anyone seems ready for it, and all this sad-sacking around is only helping in missing this point.

I went to San Diego last year, and I'll tell you won't they don't really come across with on G4: The comics content of the show is a little weak. Maybe that sounds too harsh...yes, Marvel and DC have big complicated booths covered with art and giveaways and high profile creators, yes Fantagraphics and other indie publishers have cool booths filled with books that are often unavailable in stores. True. You can eavesdrop on conversations between creators you've been following since childhood, you can get sketches from favorite artists and buy original art and all that.

As cool as all that is, the movie/TV/video game stuff is AMAZING. Huge life-size spaceship centerpieces, Models, movie props...the big blue Sci-Fi channel 'thing' in enough to melt the mind of the mightiest of mortals. And guess what? THAT'S WHERE ALL THE PEOPLE WHERE. Last summer I would sit at my table on the comics side and wonder at the sheer throngs of fans, thinking that it was totally overwhelming, until I got up and walked over to the other side of the convention center where the movie stuff was, and it was like the entire planet Earth was being evacuated into that side of the room. It was so packed you could hardly even stop moving long enough to examine any of the cool stuff, because at any given moment there was something like six-thousand people trying to stand exactly where you were standing.

That's where all the action is. And as cool as it might have been to meet Mike Mignola and Geoff Darrow, I was only able to meet them because they were sharing a table that had no line at it at all.

Believe me, in another year or so they're going to ditch the "International Comicon' name and come up with something else, because anyplace that has Darrow and Mignola sitting side by side with no one to drool over them doesnt deserve to be called such.
It's no secret that the movie business has gotten a taste of the blood money gushing from the wound in the comic industries side. Half the people that came to our table last year identified themselves as producers or agents, and the only question they had was 'Who is your representation?"

It's just not the big deal for Comics that it used to be. I think there are a couple reasons for this. First of all, the convention season is now 11 months long, which means that any announcements have to be parceled out to make each show seem worthwhile. And every announcement that is made is made with an eye on the next show--look at Darwyn Cooke ending his press conference for his new 'Parker' adaptations by telling reporters that he'll have some creator owned stuff to talk about at Baltimore in a month.

Secondly, the rise of more and more websites devoted to comics news has also lead to news getting announced more frequently. Sometimes I wonder how people over thirty ever knew which creator was jumping to which book at what time. I loose sleep over this, I really do.
The internet and it's open access have also lead to a more informed fandom. Geoff Johns writing that new Flash:Rebirth book would have been an exciting announcement, but who in the world didn't see it coming?

Fans seem to get more excited about the movie stuff, anyway. Take the Stan Lee-Grant Morrison panel, a once in a lifetime thing, where some young buck asked these two comics legends wether or not Iron Man and Hulk would team up in any upcoming movies. Now, the reporter who covered that panel didn't mention wether or not the questioner was a nine year old boy, but I would be willing to bet my actual grown-up teeth it was some dude dressed up like the bad guys from Stargate. And it would come as no surprise to me to see that that same theoretical young man was in the audience screaming his head off with approval when Grant Morrison announced at another panel that he was tired of seeing comics that seemed like nothing but movie pitches, and that 'comics should be more like comics.'

This is the future, ladies and gents (mostly gents). I don't know what the future of the industry holds, but unless everyone managed to screw the pooch so badly that things collapse again like they did in the 1990's, it seems inevitable that the film industry will continue to squeeze comics into a smaller and smaller corner. I for one can't wait to see how comics fight back. It's increasingly the only point I agree with Frank Miller on, comics are outlaw literature, that's when they're at their best.