Run for your life

I'm thinking about taking up jogging.  And while the health results will probably be nice, I would be lying if I didn't say that the real reason behind this decision is much more pragmatic.  

You see, it's always the early morning jogger who discovers the corpses.  And some of those corpses are bound to have money on them.

By now, I'm sure everyone out there has heard about the whole journalist-throws-his-shoe-at-the-President thing.  Big news, very exciting.  

But get this, gangstarrs--according the cnn.com, the throwing of a shoe is considered an INSULT IN THE MUSLIM WORLD.  (Thanks to CNN for blowing the lid off this one.)

I mean, what the heck, right?  How can two cultures as fundamentally different as ours and their ever really hope to get along. 

Imagine a world where you can no longer throw your shoe at a waiter in lieu of leaving a tip.  A world where you can't throw a shoe at your mother for Christmas as a last minute gift.

Honestly, and I hate to use this word, it's barbaric.  

prop 8

I'll predict right now that in 50 to 100 years, when history looks back at the momentous events of the last week and the way that civil rights were affected, they will also view last tuesday as a black mark that will make us all look like a bunch of savage animals.  And I can only hope that we can spend the time between now and then making sure that that is the way it turns out.

LOATHING

Hey Obama people: stop being such a bunch of dicks.  I say this as one of you.  But when you act like stupid jerks and treat people that don't agree with you like lower class citizens or something, YOU ARE WORSE THEN THEM.  You are just as bad as the loony tunes that pull people out of line at the polling place, or the lady who wouldn't give candy to Obama allied trick-or-treaters.  YOU REALLY ARE.  You don't get to call someone else crazy or write them off just because they don't agree with you.  That's not healing the country, that's rubbing horse manure in the existing injury.

Part of the trick here is this:  Obama will eventually do something you hate.  You'll just hate the hell out of it.  He will let you down, he will break your heart.  AND MCCAIN PEOPLE:  The same applies to you.  We're not voting for a new God.  We're just charged with deciding who we think has the better plan.  Because to lose track of the fact that this is all bullshit is crazy.  It's all bullshit, just pick the bullshit that strike you as best.  But don't get in anyone's face because they like the other bullshit.  

Distrust, rage, and spite are what made this country interesting in the first place.  So it's a little strange that people are so pumped about this guy.  And hey, I'm pumped about this guy.  But he's just a guy.  Just a dude.  

Sarah Palin is the new Sexy Cat

I  heard some of the other inmates at the Asshole Factory today discussing their halloween plans, and this girl was saying, "Well, last year I was a slutty cop, so this year I think I might be a slutty cat."

But I'm going to go out on a ledge here and guess that Sarah Palin will rule the night.  And that'll be nice, it should be a sweet send off for her.  

And hopefully next year we can look back at the pictures and not quite remember why all the chicks were wearing glasses and had their hair up instead of sporting bustiers or something... 

This is What They Actually Think

I was chatting with a conservative friend of mine the other day (that's right, I'm capable of maintaining friendships with people who don't totally agree with me on everything), and things inevitably took a turn for the political.  Which is fine, the last few weeks it's been impossible to avoid, even when a bum asks me for 'change' he just has this gleam in his eye.  

Anyway, I ended up asking this dude to explain to me what it is that him and his fellow conservatives believe.  Not that I didn't know, I just wanted to hear him say it.

"Well," he said, "We believe that the reason that The United States has been so succesful since its inception is that we do things a certain way, and that we hit on the right way to do things, and that we shouldn't change anything because everything is already going so well."

If this is a personal definition or the party line, I don't know for sure. But that thinking seems to me to represent a fundamental misunderstanding of American history and culture.  

The story of the United States is not the tale of a perfect land where everything has always gone really well.  It's about a people constantly struggling to find a better way to live, to govern, and to provide for each other.  When those old coots put the constitution together, didn't they set it up specifically to change depending on the needs of a transforming culture and people?

To say that things have been going really well is, well, crazy.  Sure, things have always been okay for me, I'm 27, middle class, and white.  But I've seen 'The Wire,' so I know there are plenty of people out there who could make a pretty good argument for things being awful, and in fact that they have indeed been oppressed.  And maybe not oppressed in the sense that soldiers are knocking down the door and stealing the children, oppressed like 'victims of policy.'  That's not as sexy, but it's pretty bad.

So fuck it, let's try something new.  And I'm probably simplifying these issue big time, because I'n not that smart.  But that's the flavor of my brain today.  

NO MORE BEARDS

I'm calling for an immediate stop to all ironic or intentionally goofy beards and mustaches.  They are neither funny nor cool.  

I mean, come on people.  The only reasons to do this to your face and the world are thus:

1.  Low self image.  You think if you grow some sort of really silly thing on your face, people will be drawn to comment on that and not on you as a person, or on any element of you that you feel unsure about.  And you can all laugh about the beard or mustache together, and look at what a fun guy you are!  So charming and self-depricating.  But here's the catch.  PEOPLE SEE RIGHT THROUGH THAT.  We all know how sad and fucked up you are.  So why put a big furry sign on your face announcing it?  Make it a surprise, it's more fun for everyone that way, and you'll get to at least spend some time around other people before they catch on and start dodging you.

2.  You're desperate for people to see how 'fun' you are.  And while this is closely related to reason number one, there is a difference.  These people are usually people who are not completely crushed with insecurity.  They may have jobs and loved ones.  But deep somewhere inside them is this little voice that screams, "What happened to you, dude?  You used to be cool!"  

These people are afraid that they are getting old and lame, that they can no longer hang like they used to.  And so what do they do?  They put a big 'Fuck You' front and center.  Sure, I work a nine-to-five and invest in a 401(k), but look at my fucking mutton chops!  And this handlebar right here, you know I must be really fun to talk to.  

But you probably aren't fun to talk to.  You probably want to talk to me about yr politics or David Lynch movies or something.  Guess what, we've both read David Eggers.  It doesn't make you the edgy guy in the office.  

Affecting weird facial hair takes away from the genuine weirdness of people who actually grow this stuff sincerely.  The blessed weirdness.  They grow these configurations because they want to, because they actually think it is awesome.  And when they do it, it is awesome.  But otherwise yr wading in a pool of forced irony that some scientists believe takes away from yr essential humanity.