YOUTUBE ROUND-UP

I like to imagine that the alternate title for this one is "Satan Takes Many Faces."

Even if this took 25 seconds to edit, that was way to long.

At first I thought this one was going to be about lusting after Sawyer, you can imagine my surprise when it turned out to be, in fact, highlighting his internal struggle.

More crazy then the first one, or way crazier?

Not to be left out, Hero's fans respond. Notable for highlighting the homosexual tension between those two dudes, who are supposed to be playing brothers.

An excerpt from my forthcoming book

WHO'S AFRAID?
An Oral Biography of Virginia Woolf
Complied by Tom Batten

PORTNOY GLADSTONE
Former Butler to the Woolf family

She would just shit her brains for Bluegrass music. Not a lot of people know that.


DAN GLINES
Guitar player for The Backwards Gulch Boys

We were invited to play a show at Woolf Mountain. They said it was an annual festival. and that we were going to be the headliners. They promised all kinds of money and stuff, so we were right excited. 
But when we got there, and there wasn't no festival at all. They had us playing in this big open air area that could have fit a hundred folks easy, but there was only one person there and it was her, Mrs. Woolf. All by her lonesome. She was wearing this weird Japanese looking robe with nothing on underneath-it was hanging loose so we could see-and she had this big sword. One of those Arab swords, I think they call them scimitars. 
We're like, hell, let's just play. So we start playing. And she starts writhing around, waving that sword in the air and all this. It was one of the strangest sights I ever saw. But it was exciting, too, 'cause she was naked and I thought maybe when we were done playing that would play out somehow. 
Anyway. We finish our first song, and we're about to get going on another one when she starts yelling. She raises the sword up over her head and she stands as still as an oak tree in summer and she yells out, "Release the Snakes!"
I think the idea was that some snakes where going to come out and she was going to fight them. But no snakes showed up, just her Butler or something, he came out looking real worried.

COSBY SCHNELL
Groundskeeper of Woolf Mountain

I was with Mrs. Woolf all day leading up to that concert. That was the first time she ever mentioned snakes to me or anyone else.

DAN GLINES

So she gets real depressed looking, and she hangs her head and walks off dragging that big blade behind her. With her gone there was no one left to play for, so we packed up. But then they wouldn't pay us, saying we didn't play a whole set so we were violating the contract.

COMIC PICKS FOR THE WEEK

PICKS
AIR #1 - An all new Vertigo classic of tomorrow by acclaimed writer G. Willow Wilson. Don't be the last kid on the block to know what it's all about. Or do, if you're the weird kid who puts the others in a much nicer context.

AMAZING SPIDER-MAN #568 - DAN SLOTT! JOHN ROMITA JR! VENOM! THE THUNDERBOLTS! GREEN GOBLIN! ANTI-VENOM? It's the most exciting and dangerous smörgåsbord I've seen since my cousin's wedding!

FINAL CRISIS LEGION OF THREE WORLDS #1 - The super anticipated FINAL CRISIS TIE-IN that brings together GEOFF JOHNS, GEORGE PEREZ, and nearly every incarnation of the Legion of Super-Heroes EVER! Wouldn't it be weird if it brought together different incarnations of George Perez instead? I imagine that would be a little less action packed then I expect this to be, but who knows, maybe he has the requisite amount of self-loathing it would require to make that something worth seeing...

TALES DESIGNED TO THRIZZLE #4 - The best and most irregularly released humor comic in the world finally returns to tell tall tales of where it's been and what it has seen. Tales that will fuck up your entire life, forever.

YOUNGBLOOD TP VOL 01 FOCUS TESTED - Yeah, you heard me. Joe Casey continues to be one of the most interesting writers in comics, this time taking a long-time punchline and flipping it into a vibrant and interesting look at celebrity and duty. And punching.

FROM THE HELP DESK

If you ever walk in on your roommate masturbating, I would suggest that you just start masturbating, too. That way things won't get too awkward. 

Need advice? Write in!

BIGFOOT IN A COOLER, I KNOW, THIS IS SERIOUS...

So these dopes are telling everyone that what may appear to be a super fake looking dead Bigfoot stuffed into a cooler is, in all actuality, a real Bigfoot stuffed into a cooler.  And CNN is reporting that they were questioned today by reporters for over half an hour. 

These reporters should have to donate whatever portion of their salary that time made up to charity, or maybe just be made to throw that money into the sea.  Is there nothing going on anywhere in the world that might be a better expenditure of their journalistic abilities than this?  Maybe they could be sharpening pencils for under-privileged children somewhere...

Of course, if someone wanted to pay me to heckle these guys I would be more then thrilled to do so.  You see, it's the system that I hold accountable.  Because I am lofty and profound.

What I am interested in is where these crypto-zoological hucksters see this whole thing going.  Are they counting on blackmailing some medical examiner or something?  

You know, this might just be the best viral marketing campaign for coolers of all time.  Who wouldn't buy a cooler big enough store an entire Bigfoot? 

GAME ON

Looks like Tarantino is no longer waiting for people to sink into obscurity for a few years before he snatches them up and dips them in sweet, precious gold.  http://www.variety.com/article/VR1117990590.html?categoryid=13&cs=1

WHAT I AM SAYING TO YOU IS...

This is pretty lame.  SECRET INVASION #5 furthers to epic crossover super-event approximatly 35 seconds, and while they are indeed action packed seconds, I would be lying if I said they made any sense, or were that much fun to read.

I want to like this.  I want to, and damn it I probably should.  It has fighting, it has robots, it has explosions and robot doubles...this should be tons of fun.  But instead, I get a few pages in and sure enough, there's someone dropping that old peanut of a line "What I am telling you is...blah blah blah."

I would like to think that author Brian Michael Bendis made a deal with some weird old gambler on a cloudy night some years ago, a deal that stipulated that he include that phrase in everything he writes, forever, and in return he'll get a free West Wing Box Set.  I would like to think that because it actually totally boggles my mind that he might actually think that everyone on Earth uses that phrase all the time.  I have never heard a real person say that, in fact hearing someone lead into a point that way would only ensure that I ignored whatever the thing the person was trying to tell me.

Maybe in some yet-to-be revealed tale it will be revealed that in the Marvel Universe Captain American used that phrase in a speech when he first addressed the people post-frozen in ice.  And for that reason it is a phrase that has completely taken hold in the sort of cultural lexicon or something.  And let me tell you...the comic where this is revealed will be 48 pages for 4.99 and will be fucking awful.

But back to actual story.  Wait, I don't know if I can do it.  Maybe I could try and say something nice?  Okay, let's see...did I mention the explosions?  Wait...the art is pretty good.  Except the artist is drawing everyone with  weird jaws now.  Used to be weird eyes, now it's weird jawlines.