NO MORE BEARDS

I'm calling for an immediate stop to all ironic or intentionally goofy beards and mustaches.  They are neither funny nor cool.  

I mean, come on people.  The only reasons to do this to your face and the world are thus:

1.  Low self image.  You think if you grow some sort of really silly thing on your face, people will be drawn to comment on that and not on you as a person, or on any element of you that you feel unsure about.  And you can all laugh about the beard or mustache together, and look at what a fun guy you are!  So charming and self-depricating.  But here's the catch.  PEOPLE SEE RIGHT THROUGH THAT.  We all know how sad and fucked up you are.  So why put a big furry sign on your face announcing it?  Make it a surprise, it's more fun for everyone that way, and you'll get to at least spend some time around other people before they catch on and start dodging you.

2.  You're desperate for people to see how 'fun' you are.  And while this is closely related to reason number one, there is a difference.  These people are usually people who are not completely crushed with insecurity.  They may have jobs and loved ones.  But deep somewhere inside them is this little voice that screams, "What happened to you, dude?  You used to be cool!"  

These people are afraid that they are getting old and lame, that they can no longer hang like they used to.  And so what do they do?  They put a big 'Fuck You' front and center.  Sure, I work a nine-to-five and invest in a 401(k), but look at my fucking mutton chops!  And this handlebar right here, you know I must be really fun to talk to.  

But you probably aren't fun to talk to.  You probably want to talk to me about yr politics or David Lynch movies or something.  Guess what, we've both read David Eggers.  It doesn't make you the edgy guy in the office.  

Affecting weird facial hair takes away from the genuine weirdness of people who actually grow this stuff sincerely.  The blessed weirdness.  They grow these configurations because they want to, because they actually think it is awesome.  And when they do it, it is awesome.  But otherwise yr wading in a pool of forced irony that some scientists believe takes away from yr essential humanity.